I’ve started to write this and stopped…and started again and stopped…oh, let’s just say more times than I want to admit. I knew the first year would be challenging, but I had nothing to compare it to and, if I’m being honest, didn’t really know how to ask someone else about it. You know, how do ask someone, “tell me how you dealt with that first year after one of your parents died?”
Sure, sure, the counselors among my readers have a ready answer to such a question, and probably seasoned pastors who have walked with people through this and even walked that path themselves know but I didn’t…until now. September 17, 2020 happened in the middle of a once-in-a-century global pandemic.
Thankfully, when dad passed into eternity, Gov. Kemp has recently modified his SoE order allowing people access to loved ones nearing end-of-life and mom was able to be with him until the end. She shared those final conversations with me. Dad was lucid until the very end and there was nothing that was left unsaid between them. 50 years is a long time and they did the best they could over those decades to raise kids, try to have a relationship with the children from his first marriage, overcome a failed business and the bankruptcy that followed, and deal with limited finances in those final years.
I remember one of the conversations I had with dad a few years before he died. He expressed a lot more emotion than usual, but the thing that struck me was the sense of regret he carried. A deep, deep sense of regret. He told me something that struck me like a bolt of lightning! He said, “I thought I’d have more time.” If that statement sounds odd to the Christian ear, it should. It sounds like a lie told by the evil one that so many find themselves falling for—wanting to believe—that there will always be more time. It also lacked the assurance of a man of faith that I am accustomed to. Maybe faithful Mormons express their assurance differently. I don’t know…
The holiday season came quickly after his death. Honestly, it was a bit surreal thinking back. Then the new year came with a hope that these newfangled vaccines would have life returning to normal sooner rather than later (apparently, such was not to be!). Ironically, with the focus on the pandemic, the first year was largely easier than it might have otherwise been. Then came a big milestone, his birthday (July 2nd) and that missed phone call. I wrote somewhere (blog or social media post… I forget which) that we didn’t talk terribly often, but when we did it was deep and it was quality. I missed that this first year, more than I ever imagined I would.
Earlier this month, September 16th to be precise, I was returning home from a committee meeting with a denominational entity with which I serve and felt led to give my mom a call. I had known for weeks we would speak around that date, but wasn’t exactly sure when, what we’d talk about, or if she’d actually want to chat. Ministry has made me keenly aware that when someone steps into eternity, the lives they touched are often impacted in very different ways. Mom lost her life partner last year and her grief is quite different than mine.
It was a good conversation—rather typical in most respects—that meandered from topic to topic, relative to relative until finally landing on the one thing that we both seemed to know we would discuss. There was loneliness in her voice, perhaps a touch of sadness too, stirred together with her always-gritty pragmaticism knowing that even in sorrow life goes on. I think deep down she knew she would have years, maybe a lot of years, after dad passed away that she would have to navigate without him. Frankly, I think she was reasonably prepared to do so. Mom has always been a planner and is good at squirreling away a few dollars here and there for the next thing that comes her way. This season of life has been no exception.
The second year has begun and it stings a little less…God has been faithful. God is always faithful! I’ve read that it gets easier with time and I’m starting to believe that. The encouragement from friends has been a tremendous blessing. The Lord has put some of the most amazing people in my life! I can’t tell you how much a brief text message coming at just the right moment in time means. These people are a blessing to be sure and even more so when I feel like little more than a burden.
I’m headed to Portugal in a week and Mom has a visit planned once I get back. We’ll enjoy spending time together…we’ll laugh…and we’ll probably cry a little too. That’s okay though! Those tears will sting a little less.